


Bury Me in All My Favorite Colors

by the_human_toast



Series: Sad Poets Society [2]
Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: M/M, Mentioned Todd Anderson, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:54:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24545740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_human_toast/pseuds/the_human_toast
Summary: Neil Perry loves his life so much sometimes it hurts.
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Series: Sad Poets Society [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1832737
Comments: 3
Kudos: 31





	Bury Me in All My Favorite Colors

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Please be careful when reading this if suicidal thoughts can trigger you. Take care of yourself!
> 
> Tittle inspired by the song Cancer, by MCR.

Neil loves being alive. He does. There is something too beautiful about having your pulse beating fast and hard inside your chest, like a bomb, like a blooming bruise; there is something too beautiful about feeling everything at once, about laughing and crying and feeling poetry under his fingertips everytime he touches Todd.

It's the middle of the night when it begins to rain. Neil likes to think that he's the only one awake to hear the sound rain makes when it hits the ground. There is something too beautiful about feeling like belonging, and the night has that qualite: it never makes you feel unwanted; Neil likes to think the rain is the way the world tells him that yes, he does belong.

The next morning, everything smells damp and the air is cold and Neil is kind of scared his fingers might just fall off frozen; but he reminds himself that this is the aftermath of having the world tell him he belongs through water and grey clouds.

There is something too beautiful about feeling everything, until there isn't.

There are times in which Neil gets tired of seeing every color so saturated because soon they all blend in and Neil is left to only see black.

Neil has read many poems about emptyness, about what the feeling of having a black hole in the pit of his stomach is like, about the craving for emotion that comes in the form of a a heartless chest.

It isn't something he can really relate too.

There are days in which Neil wishes he could rip off his heart just to have the forever blooming bruise in his insides, heal. He has never really liked violence and the thought of having a bomb for a heart can be terrifying when it isn't charming.

Here's the thing: Neil knows rain is nothing but rain, he knows he doesn't belong anyways, but he wishes he would.

Here's the thing: Neil can not not feel and it gets absolutely exhausting to not ever feel numb; because when it isn't love for life, for Todd, for every flower he has seen and every story he has heard, what fills his body, it is fear.

Fear is thick and bitter and horrible. It runs through Neil's veins and under his skin like another organ but much more heavier and much more horrible, and in moments like those, when Neil can't see but black and can't breath right, and wishes he knew what feeling empty is like, he kind of wants to die a little.


End file.
